Tuesday, December 24, 2013

'Tis A Gift

My final roommate in six months was a missionary from Norway named Martine (pronounced, at her insistence, like "Martina"). After being sick for a month and a half, I moved out of my homestay, left Maximo Nivel, and moved to the San Blas area. I hadn't really been connecting with Cusco. Granted, it might have been because I couldn't breath. A lack of oxygen will do that. Once I moved to San Blas, however, I started feeling like I had finally found my place in the city, due in no small part to meeting Martine. 

If you're ever in Cusco, there's a coffee shop called The Meeting Place that you should definitely visit. No longer volunteering, living alone, and possessed of a New York-based coffee addiction, I essentially made the place my second home, and almost immediately started making friends Martine the waitress. A devoutly religious, fairy tale princess type, Martine was sunshine during the rainy season. She was up for anything, knew everyone, and could high-altitude bake like nobody's business. Despite being almost nothing alike, we turned out to be pretty good roommates. She lived for the mornings, I lived for the evenings, and somehow, in the afternoons, we made it work. Provided I remembered to do the dishes. 

This story is based on a Norwegian story she told me during one of our many "So, in your country, do you do this?" conversations. She gave me the details like Scheherazade, keeping the ending (and in particular, the fate of the protagonist's mother) to herself until a few days before we left. The story, I believe, is called "The Christmas Star" and if you haven't heard it (or seen the special on Norwegian television...in Norwegian) you should really look it up. 

The story is also a Christmas present. If ever you feel you're without the Christmas spirit, you should really talk to Martine. She embodies it more than anyone I've ever met.    

'Tis A Gift

The man at the desk could have been Saint Nicholas. It was Christmas, he seemed to want to help her, and he had promised he would make things go as quickly and smoothly as possible. At the end of a long quest, a helpful guide was always welcome. She simply would have preferred him to have had better hearing. 

“You’re looking for what?” he asked.

“I’m looking for the Christmas star,” Sonja repeated, “The one that shone over the manger during the birth of Christ? It went missing after my father, the King, cursed it when I was a child and now I’ve sworn to God and my kingdom that - “

“Well, you’re going to have to fill out form B-004.”

Sonja blinked.

“I’m sorry?”

“Form B-004,” he repeated, as if it should be obvious, “Simplest way to do this is to start with that. Then we’ll see what happens.”

“But, I’m on a mission from God.”

“Who do you think created paperwork?”

She shrugged.

“Tis a gift to be simple, I guess.”

Form B-004: Application to Locate or Request Replacement for Lost Judeo-Christian Celestial Object 

(NOTE: For stolen, mutilated, or personified celestial objects, please complete an Application For Replacement Plates, Stickers, and Documents [Form RX-834 available on DMV Web]) 

 [] Location of Original                     [] Replacement 

Please check at least one of the following:
[] Herald Angels         $6                   [] Eight-Day Miracle Oil        $8 
[] Heavenly Choir      $8                    [] Chains Forged in Life        No Fee 
        [] Soprano     [] Alto                   [] Christmas Star           $4 
        [] Tenor         [] Bass 
[] Round John Virgin         No Fee 

All applicants must complete sections A, F, and G. Royal, disembodied or spiritual applicants must also complete section C.

After several minutes, Sonja returned to the desk.

“I wasn’t entirely sure what to put as my surname since I was raised by a group of traveling performers before recently discovering that I was the lost daughter of a king. Is that alright?” 

“That’s fine,” said the man, typing up the information, “You’ll just have to fill out form FC-720 when you get to processing.”

“I don’t have a social security number, either.”

“Form AP-702.”

“Right.”

“Please have a seat.”

 She did. For about forty minutes. Eventually, as if he had forgotten and been suddenly reminded of her existence, the man looked up.

 “Did you fill out the rest of the forms?”

“I thought I had to wait until I got to processing.”

“You’re in processing. What do you think I’ve been doing for the last hour?”

Sonja sighed, and sat herself down with a new bundle of paperwork.

Form AP-702: Application To Excuse a Lack of Required Information 

(NOTE: For lost, stolen, mutilated, or cursed information please complete an Application For Replacement Plates, Stickers, and Documents [Form RX-834 available on DMV-Web]) 

Please check at least one of the following: 
[] First Name       $6                           [] Social Security Number      $11 
[] Surname           $8                           [] Telephone Number           $2 
[] Address            $10                         [] Mission                No Fee 
 [] Street Name                                  [] Prophecy                    $7 
 [] City/Kingdom/Empire                   [] Legend Title                 $3 
 [] Zip Code 

Are you from another plane of existence? 
[] Yes                                              [] No 

If no, state reason for missing information (Please Print)



Once again, she marched back to the desk and handed over the form.

“Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?” he asked.

“Is that a boy band?”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

He entered the new information into the computer, slowly and methodically so as not to make any mistakes. Sonja supposed she should be thankful he was being so careful. She had come a long way, after all. She had suffered through grave trials and high altitudes, and even a confrontation with her evil uncle, just to complete her divine mission. She didn’t exactly have time to deal with botched office work on top of it all - no matter how long this was taking.

“Alright,” said the man, “Everything’s set, simple as that. How can I help you?”

“As I mentioned earlier,” Sonja began, “I am on a mission from God to -”

“Oh, you’re on a mission from God?

“Um, yes.” Sonja raised an eyebrow. “I mentioned it about an hour ago.”

“Well, then you’re going to need form GD-0073. Can’t do a thing until I have that.”

“Is this really necessary?” she asked, “I mean, I’m am a princess, and it is Christmastime. Couldn’t we just make an exception? Given the circumstances?” 

“Unfortunately, your name and the date do not rid us of the need for proper paperwork,” the man answered, “I realize this may seem tedious, but I assure you, this is the simplest way to do this.”

Sonja sighed. Whatever happened to the days when you could just slay a great beast to find your answer?

Form GD-0073: Statement of Deity-Based Mission 

(NOTE: For lost, stolen, mutilated, or fallen deities, please complete an Application For Replacement Plates, Stickers, and Documents [Form RX-834 available on DMV Web]) 

Please check at least one of the following:

[] Voice of God/Goddess       $6                    [] Non-Angelic Winged Messenger      $4 
[] Heavenly Host              $4                         [] Prophetic Dream          No Fee 
[] Metaphorical Apparition       $10 

Was the mission-imparting being a named entity? 

[] Yes                                                 [] No 

If yes, indicate name or title (Please Print)



Are you currently, or have you ever been a prophet or oracle? 

[] Yes                                                 [] No 

If mission involves possible war or the Chicago Police, please complete section D. All other applicants proceed to section F.

She slammed the form down with more force than was probably necessary.

“Can we move on now?”

“Let me just enter this all in.”

She waited, tapping her fingers on the desk in slightly bored frustration. As a princess she was rarely this agitated.

“Thank you for filling that out,” said the man, “it may not seem it, but it does make the process simpler for everyone. Now, how can I help you?”

“Once again,” said Sonja, through slightly gritted teeth, “I am on a mission from God to locate the star of Christmas and return it to it’s rightful place in the night sky above my home kingdom. I followed it into the woods as a child and got lost. My mother followed me, and we both went missing for about ten years. In his grief, my father cursed the star and it vanished. My mission is to find it and my mother so that Christmas can be restored to the land and everyone can live happily ever after except for my evil uncle who convinced me it was a good idea to leave home in the first place.”

“I see,” said the man, “and what do you need from me?”

“I need to know where I can find the star. An old woman who was probably my lost mother in disguise told me I could the answer here, so, here I am.

“I see,” the man repeated, “So you’re looking for answers to complete a quest, is that right?”

“Yes.”

"Form WR-975.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Form WR-975: Application To Receive Information Required For The Completion of Divine Mission 

(NOTE: For lost, stolen, or mutilated information required specifically for completing your quest, please complete an Application For Replacement Plates, Stickers, and Documents [Form RX-834 available on DMV Web]) 

All applicants must complete sections H, Q, and X. Applicants on non-divine missions must also complete section Z. 

Please check at least one of the following: 
[] Supernatural Aid           $5                                          [] Frustrating Riddle       No Fee 
[] Sacred Documents        $4                                          [] Straight Answer     $10 
[] Final Piece of Universe-Altering Puzzle      $2           [] Location of the Holy Lance    $3 
[] The True Meaning of Christmas     No Fee               [] Location of Lost Family Member Or                                                                                                        Mentor Figure               $6 

Are you currently involved in a monolithic narrative? 

[] Yes                                           [] No 

If yes, please check phases completed 
[] Call To Adventure                                    [] Approach to Innermost Cave 
[] Refusal of the Call                                   [] Ordeal (Belly of the Whale) 
 [] Supernatural Aid                                     [] Reward 
[] First Threshold                                         [] Return 
[] Tests, Allies, Enemies, ect.                     [] Resurrection 

Applicants in the process of resurrection must also complete section C.

“Does filling out all these forms count as an ordeal?” Sonja asked.

“No, it does not.”

“Of course.”

She finished the form and handed it back. She tapped her fingers. She counted the cracks in the wall. She counted backwards from 100 and tried not to think about how much she needed to use the bathroom.

“Everything seems to be in order,” said the man, finally, “It would be nice if next time you had a few more steps of the Hero’s Journey completed, but since it’s Christmas, we’ll waive that for today.”

“How kind.”

“If you could just sign and date the last form, we’ll have your answer printed out for you in a few seconds.”

Sonja rolled her eyes and signed the bottom, wondering if Sleeping Beauty even had to deal with all this. The man turned around in his swivel chair and disappeared into a back room. When he returned, he handed her two small pieces of paper and a blue pen.

“The top’s your receipt,” he told her, “and the bottom’s your answer. The pen’s complimentary.” 

She crumpled the receipt and stashed the pen in the pocket of her fur coat, then stared down at the second paper.

The Christmas Star is a manifestation of the Christmas spirit, and thus, has been within you the whole time. Simply wish for it, and it shall be. For more information, please complete an Application For Replacement Plates, Stickers, and Documents [Form RX-834 available on DMV Web]

“Seriously?” said Sonja, “That’s it? I did all that, and that’s my answer?”

“I don’t know.”

Sonja closed her eyes. She thought of Christmas - of three wise men on a great journey, led only by a message and a star. “I wish for the Christmas star to reappear.”

She heard a sound, and after a moment, realized it was her phone.

The King (Dad) 
Hey, just looked at the sky and the star’s back! Good job! Also, your mother turned to be that old beggar woman after all, and now she’s back too. We’re both very proud of you. See you at Christmas!

“I was at least hoping I’d have to outsmart a witch or something.” Sonja commented, “Or win the heart of a prince.”

“Form SC-0057.”

“Right.” She sighed. “Well, at least I got an answer, and at least I got the star. I suppose it doesn’t really matter how I did it.”

“Sometimes journeys aren’t terribly exciting,” said the man, “doesn’t make them any less miraculous. ‘Tis a gift to be simple, after all.”

“I guess you could call it that,” she said, turning to leave, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas!”

The decorative bell on the door jingled as she stepped through the doorway, then jingled again as the door closed behind a young, handsome man with a sword and helmet.

“Greetings!” the young man said, “I am Prince Charming, and I am on a quest to find my love interest, the fair Princess Sonja. Might you -”

“Simplest way to do this is to start with form SQ-0345,” said the older man, “then we’ll take it from there.”

“Oh thank you, good sir!” said the Prince, “Truly this is the start of a glorious adventure! Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas.”